Words of A Bitter, Single Man

What’s the point in actually engaging in a relationship that you know will end in separation and ultimately, heartbreak? What do we want from a relationship in the first place? A healthy, fit companion who thoroughly understands your mental and physical needs? Someone who reciprocates your love and someone who will lend you a shoulder to lean on when you need it most?

When we start a relationship, are we just looking for companionship? How far along our road of life do we want to walk with this companion? When we first engage in the relationship, do we look far into the future to foresee whether we will eventually end up with our other half? Do we actually think of the ramifications of our actions?

Ideally, when we attach ourselves to someone, we hope it’s going to end up in a marriage that’ll end happily ever after. Hah! We all know that’s not going to happen. Even IF you do make it through to marriage, half of the time it’s going to end up in divorce. Wonder what has happened to the illusory sanctity of marriage? The times are changing, so why do some of us still hold so tightly to the vestiges of values from a time long gone by?

“Till death do us part.”

Right. Anyone who believes that has seriously got to be the biggest sucker around. So, the basic conclusion is that boyfriend/girlfriend hopping has to be something that is right… right? I mean, that’s how we're going to find ‘the one’. Our soul mate. The one that ‘completes us’. If we don’t experiment and play the field how will we ever know that she/he is out there? So technically, there’s nothing wrong with getting attached many times to many a different persons.

Then why does this bother some of us? We are never happy when we hear that you’ve had a history of partners. And I don’t even mean sexually. What I mean is if you’ve changed boyfriends like how I (ideally) change clothes. Why should that deter me from dating you? And when can we draw the line when it comes to casual dating and moving into a full-blown relationship?

Can we be happy when we’ve found the one? How in the world will you know that it’s the right one? The compatibility factor may subsist during the initial period of getting to know each other and the wonderful honeymoon phase, but after that what happens? When things start to crumble and fall apart? You can only fix something so many times. Once it’s broken, you don’t have much of a chance saving it. Or if someone has already ‘left’ the relationship. What’s the point in grasping at straws? It’s a sunk cost, there’s no point trying to win your beau back if it went wrong the first time (see broken strings).

So what is the point of having a relationship? There’s only so much joy and pleasure you can get out of a relationship. Most of the time it’s spent bickering/arguing/compromising and generally spent away from each other to give the other time and space to breathe and grow. So ultimately, how much time is actually spent together doing the things we see in movies? They don’t document the arguments, or the petty things that tick us off. Does that 5 minutes of joy when you see the happiness on your partner’s face make up for all the crappy time you’ve spent trying to mould her and find common ground in order to further your relationship? Is it really worth the time and commitment on your part? Or is it just about the sex? Would some people really engage in a ‘relationship’ if they’re just looking for sex? Does it play such a relevant role in the relationship? We shan’t digress into that here today.

So much effort has to be put into a successful relationship. And it only takes 5 minutes to break it apart. Is really worth the sacrifice to invest in something so fragile? Why do we even bother?

The Value of a Thought

I was taught to appreciate my gifts and to show gratitude for them. It was hard to practice it faithfully when I was young, I was always really disappointed whenever I rceived an item of clothing for my birthday or Christmas when what I really wanted was the massive Fortress Maximus. We all wanted one of those, a Transformer that stood as tall as our little selves, the Holy Grail of Transformers. The biggest, most expensive, most impressive, most anything toy a boy could want. I never got one.

I remember winning a toy at a friend’s birthday party once. One of those big parties we had as kids where they had games and prizes for winning them. Yes, I still remember the toy I won, it was one of those plastic men with parachutes that you would drop from the 2nd floor and watch as it slowly fell to the ground. Not the most fun toy I’ve ever had. After winning it, I left it somewhere, and surprise surprise, lost it. When my dad came to pick me up, the friend’s mom asked where I put my toy, because she remembered me winning it. Being the honest little boy I was, (I was also taught not to lie) I simply told her that I forgot where I put it, and that no, we didn’t have to go look for it because I didn’t really like it. Shock horror! I received a lecture after that, and looking back, I have to agree that it was shocking, shameful behaviour on my part. We never criticise a gift, and we certainly never criticise a gift within earshot of the giver. After all, it’s the thought that counts.

Childish misdemeanours are forgivable, we all make mistakes and we all learn from them.

"the only bad mistakes are the ones you refuse to learn from"

The fundamental principle is that we should always gracefully accept our gifts. Can we stray from this basic principle though, when circumstances permit? I’m not talking about malicious prank gifts like dead roses or frogs for Valentine’s; in those situations we’re perfectly entitled to hurl the rotting corpses back in the giver’s face. What about in more questionable situations?

Lets say I really hate chocolate, and avoid it like the plague, then one day my girlfriend decides to give me some good chocolate. Now, she being my girlfriend ought know I hate chocolate, so why did she it to me? Am I entitled to gripe about the decidedly crappy gift? At how thoughtless she was in giving me something she knows I hate? Or should I pretend to receive it graciously? Pretend to thank her for her thoughtlessness? If it’s the thought that counts, where there is obviously no good thought, does a gift count for anything?

Does the texture of the situation change if she were to attach a little card to the box, saying that she hoped this box of really good chocolate could 'cure' my aversion to chocolate? Now there is a genuine good thought behind the gift. She did hope for something good to come out of the gift. I shouldn’t be entitled to complain about it now, in fact, I should probably try eating the chocolate, as an expression of my gratitude for her good intentions (I would think sharing the joy of eating good chocolate is a good thing).

A gift, unless the product of malicious intentions, designed to hurt the receiver, or if it hurts the receiver as a result of it being blatantly thoughtless, should always be received with gratitude. Even in the latter case, it is questionable how we should react. Certainly the giver has done no wrong intentionally. To punish him by complaining or mistreating the present is unfair. Given that the intentions were good, there is no justifiable ground for a person to be punished for a good deed.

Hit 'em When They're Down

There may be someone out there that’s caught your fancy, with whom you’re thoroughly infatuated. Only problem here is that she’s currently seeing someone else. So what do you do about it? If you were a gentleman you wouldn’t do anything. Maybe you’d just hang around and be her friend. You’d do things for her in order to get close. But that’s where the line should be drawn. Just friends.

Next thing you know, she’s broken up. Crying her heart out and looking for a shoulder to cry on- your shoulder. What would you do? These are the times when a person is at her most vulnerable and susceptible to someone swooping in and sweeping her off her feet. Would you do that? Would you give a victorious “whoop, whoop!” before sitting down to attend to her needs? Would you take advantage of her misery and attempt to profit from it? Is there a grace period for you to wait out? For her ‘mourning’ period to be over before you officially make your intentions clear? I mean, what better time is there to make your move, than to hit someone when all her defenses are down.

How noble are we? Noble enough to curb our selfish instincts? How would we be judged by our peers? How would we judge ourselves? Would we be content in the knowledge that yes, you did get together with this girl, and that was your intention from the very beginning anyway. Isn’t it exactly what we secretly wished for all this time? Wouldn’t we be secretly pleased that her ‘dream’ relationship has come to an end? What a perfect time to swoop right in and be the one she so desperately needs. If you do, and succeed, query this: Did she take you into her life because she really liked you? Or was it simply because you were there for her, to fill that gaping hole in her heart when she needed someone?

It could work out. I mean, you could be a better and a bigger person than her ex ever was and it could all blossom into a great, deep, fulfilling relationship. That’d be the ideal situation, but the cynic in me says that that rarely happens.

What happens when the ideal scenario doesn’t work out? She still pines for him. Endlessly. Dropping his name here and there. Comparing the things you do. Just how much can you take? What do you do? Do the gracious thing and step down? It’s obvious she’s not in love with you. You were just there, perfectly placed at that moment in time to provide her with emotional support. Maybe you’ll give it some time. Maybe she’ll see you for the great person you know you are.

So when exactly is it right to make your intentions clear? How long before you know she’s ready to actually get into a relationship again? How will you know when she’s ready?

“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” –Jesus Christ, Luke 6:31-

How would you feel if you were the one being shoved aside by this ‘new love’ in your ex-darling’s life? It's not such a great feeling I’ll bet. But what other choice do we have? This is a cut throat society we live in where the selfish survive while the soft hearted and indecisive perish. As they say, “the strongest survive”. Does this back up the theory of striking someone when they’re down? If you’re not the one doing the dirty deed, there sure as hell will be someone else lurking around the corner right behind you wanting to do exactly what you’re thinking of. And if you do decide to do the decent thing and miss your little window of opportunity as a result of it, what then?

Broken Strings...

When a string is broken, that’s it. There’s no turning back. The best we can do is attempt to tie it together again, but that piece of reattached string will never be the same. It will never be as strong. It can never be as beautiful.

“The sooner you realise that things can never be the same again, the sooner you can move on with your life.” –O.C.-

Can broken relationships never be mended? Will a salvaged relationship only ever be nothing more than just that? A salvaged relationship, a cracked bowl glued together, the lines of its brokenness ever conspicuous, ever in your memory…

The cheating lover, the paradigmatic example of a broken relationship. When your girlfriend’s cheated on you, is it ever worth taking her back? You love her like life itself. You could never stand lose her, you could never live without her. With these defeatist thoughts, you try to ‘forgive and forget’—to move on and forge ahead with life. Instead of punishing her cardinal sin, you forgive her and punish yourself. You resign yourself to sleeping with the devil. You try to avoid thinking about it; you pretend nothing went wrong. We may say we forgive, but we’ll never forget. If we don’t forget, can we ever really forgive?

The memory of her cheating will always be a phantom floating between the two of you, a spectre in the back of your mind. Can you really commit once again, give everything you have, invest all your deepest emotions in a girl you know to be untrustworthy? Will we ever be able to trust a person who has betrayed our trust on the deepest emotional plane? Yes you say? You’ve got a big heart, and I salute you. A heart bigger and stronger than your wits.

That spectre will always give the innocent party the psychological moral leverage. Suddenly it’s all right for me to be a bit of a bastard. Why? “Because she was a much bigger bitch! She’s unhappy about it? SHE SCREWED UP FIRST! Its not my fault that things are this way…” An important part of a good relationship is a healthy balance of power. Once the balance tips disproportionately in favour of one party, what’s left is not a loving two-way relationship. It’s a master and servant situation. When one party has the upper hand all the time, can a loving relationship based on respect survive? Will the respect endure the battering of a broken bond?

The girl, feeling guilty (hopefully) will do her best to be as nice as she possibly can. Knowing that her wrong was unforgivable, being given a second chance comes as something beyond hope. She becomes too nice, she surrenders too much, she gives when she should take, lets up when she should push… A person can only take so much self-degradation. A person only has so much to give. It takes two to clap. When one side of a pair of gloves is torn, the pair will cease to function. People say that life is not a bed of roses, that a relationship needs work, that we should never give up at the first sign of trouble. But when a relationship that’s supposed to be natural and borne out of love simply requires too much effort to maintain, maybe the relationship just isn’t meant to be. Something meant to bring joy and happiness should never be reduced to a constant struggle, to a fight for mere indifference.

I once made a conscious decision to never subject myself to the pain of breaking up with the same person twice in my life. Once is enough. Things could never be the same again. The second ride, I knew would not be worth the fall.