Living 'n' Learning

Words of A Bitter, Single Man

2004-11-26T20:02:00.000Z

What’s the point in actually engaging in a relationship that you know will end in separation and ultimately, heartbreak? What do we want from a relationship in the first place? A healthy, fit companion who thoroughly understands your mental and physical needs? Someone who reciprocates your love and someone who will lend you a shoulder to lean on when you need it most?

When we start a relationship, are we just looking for companionship? How far along our road of life do we want to walk with this companion? When we first engage in the relationship, do we look far into the future to foresee whether we will eventually end up with our other half? Do we actually think of the ramifications of our actions?

Ideally, when we attach ourselves to someone, we hope it’s going to end up in a marriage that’ll end happily ever after. Hah! We all know that’s not going to happen. Even IF you do make it through to marriage, half of the time it’s going to end up in divorce. Wonder what has happened to the illusory sanctity of marriage? The times are changing, so why do some of us still hold so tightly to the vestiges of values from a time long gone by?

“Till death do us part.”

Right. Anyone who believes that has seriously got to be the biggest sucker around. So, the basic conclusion is that boyfriend/girlfriend hopping has to be something that is right… right? I mean, that’s how we're going to find ‘the one’. Our soul mate. The one that ‘completes us’. If we don’t experiment and play the field how will we ever know that she/he is out there? So technically, there’s nothing wrong with getting attached many times to many a different persons.

Then why does this bother some of us? We are never happy when we hear that you’ve had a history of partners. And I don’t even mean sexually. What I mean is if you’ve changed boyfriends like how I (ideally) change clothes. Why should that deter me from dating you? And when can we draw the line when it comes to casual dating and moving into a full-blown relationship?

Can we be happy when we’ve found the one? How in the world will you know that it’s the right one? The compatibility factor may subsist during the initial period of getting to know each other and the wonderful honeymoon phase, but after that what happens? When things start to crumble and fall apart? You can only fix something so many times. Once it’s broken, you don’t have much of a chance saving it. Or if someone has already ‘left’ the relationship. What’s the point in grasping at straws? It’s a sunk cost, there’s no point trying to win your beau back if it went wrong the first time (see broken strings).

So what is the point of having a relationship? There’s only so much joy and pleasure you can get out of a relationship. Most of the time it’s spent bickering/arguing/compromising and generally spent away from each other to give the other time and space to breathe and grow. So ultimately, how much time is actually spent together doing the things we see in movies? They don’t document the arguments, or the petty things that tick us off. Does that 5 minutes of joy when you see the happiness on your partner’s face make up for all the crappy time you’ve spent trying to mould her and find common ground in order to further your relationship? Is it really worth the time and commitment on your part? Or is it just about the sex? Would some people really engage in a ‘relationship’ if they’re just looking for sex? Does it play such a relevant role in the relationship? We shan’t digress into that here today.

So much effort has to be put into a successful relationship. And it only takes 5 minutes to break it apart. Is really worth the sacrifice to invest in something so fragile? Why do we even bother?

The Value of a Thought

2004-11-15T11:35:00.000Z

I was taught to appreciate my gifts and to show gratitude for them. It was hard to practice it faithfully when I was young, I was always really disappointed whenever I rceived an item of clothing for my birthday or Christmas when what I really wanted was the massive Fortress Maximus. We all wanted one of those, a Transformer that stood as tall as our little selves, the Holy Grail of Transformers. The biggest, most expensive, most impressive, most anything toy a boy could want. I never got one.

I remember winning a toy at a friend’s birthday party once. One of those big parties we had as kids where they had games and prizes for winning them. Yes, I still remember the toy I won, it was one of those plastic men with parachutes that you would drop from the 2nd floor and watch as it slowly fell to the ground. Not the most fun toy I’ve ever had. After winning it, I left it somewhere, and surprise surprise, lost it. When my dad came to pick me up, the friend’s mom asked where I put my toy, because she remembered me winning it. Being the honest little boy I was, (I was also taught not to lie) I simply told her that I forgot where I put it, and that no, we didn’t have to go look for it because I didn’t really like it. Shock horror! I received a lecture after that, and looking back, I have to agree that it was shocking, shameful behaviour on my part. We never criticise a gift, and we certainly never criticise a gift within earshot of the giver. After all, it’s the thought that counts.

Childish misdemeanours are forgivable, we all make mistakes and we all learn from them.

"the only bad mistakes are the ones you refuse to learn from"

The fundamental principle is that we should always gracefully accept our gifts. Can we stray from this basic principle though, when circumstances permit? I’m not talking about malicious prank gifts like dead roses or frogs for Valentine’s; in those situations we’re perfectly entitled to hurl the rotting corpses back in the giver’s face. What about in more questionable situations?

Lets say I really hate chocolate, and avoid it like the plague, then one day my girlfriend decides to give me some good chocolate. Now, she being my girlfriend ought know I hate chocolate, so why did she it to me? Am I entitled to gripe about the decidedly crappy gift? At how thoughtless she was in giving me something she knows I hate? Or should I pretend to receive it graciously? Pretend to thank her for her thoughtlessness? If it’s the thought that counts, where there is obviously no good thought, does a gift count for anything?

Does the texture of the situation change if she were to attach a little card to the box, saying that she hoped this box of really good chocolate could 'cure' my aversion to chocolate? Now there is a genuine good thought behind the gift. She did hope for something good to come out of the gift. I shouldn’t be entitled to complain about it now, in fact, I should probably try eating the chocolate, as an expression of my gratitude for her good intentions (I would think sharing the joy of eating good chocolate is a good thing).

A gift, unless the product of malicious intentions, designed to hurt the receiver, or if it hurts the receiver as a result of it being blatantly thoughtless, should always be received with gratitude. Even in the latter case, it is questionable how we should react. Certainly the giver has done no wrong intentionally. To punish him by complaining or mistreating the present is unfair. Given that the intentions were good, there is no justifiable ground for a person to be punished for a good deed.

Hit 'em When They're Down

2004-11-10T17:55:00.000Z

There may be someone out there that’s caught your fancy, with whom you’re thoroughly infatuated. Only problem here is that she’s currently seeing someone else. So what do you do about it? If you were a gentleman you wouldn’t do anything. Maybe you’d just hang around and be her friend. You’d do things for her in order to get close. But that’s where the line should be drawn. Just friends.

Next thing you know, she’s broken up. Crying her heart out and looking for a shoulder to cry on- your shoulder. What would you do? These are the times when a person is at her most vulnerable and susceptible to someone swooping in and sweeping her off her feet. Would you do that? Would you give a victorious “whoop, whoop!” before sitting down to attend to her needs? Would you take advantage of her misery and attempt to profit from it? Is there a grace period for you to wait out? For her ‘mourning’ period to be over before you officially make your intentions clear? I mean, what better time is there to make your move, than to hit someone when all her defenses are down.

How noble are we? Noble enough to curb our selfish instincts? How would we be judged by our peers? How would we judge ourselves? Would we be content in the knowledge that yes, you did get together with this girl, and that was your intention from the very beginning anyway. Isn’t it exactly what we secretly wished for all this time? Wouldn’t we be secretly pleased that her ‘dream’ relationship has come to an end? What a perfect time to swoop right in and be the one she so desperately needs. If you do, and succeed, query this: Did she take you into her life because she really liked you? Or was it simply because you were there for her, to fill that gaping hole in her heart when she needed someone?

It could work out. I mean, you could be a better and a bigger person than her ex ever was and it could all blossom into a great, deep, fulfilling relationship. That’d be the ideal situation, but the cynic in me says that that rarely happens.

What happens when the ideal scenario doesn’t work out? She still pines for him. Endlessly. Dropping his name here and there. Comparing the things you do. Just how much can you take? What do you do? Do the gracious thing and step down? It’s obvious she’s not in love with you. You were just there, perfectly placed at that moment in time to provide her with emotional support. Maybe you’ll give it some time. Maybe she’ll see you for the great person you know you are.

So when exactly is it right to make your intentions clear? How long before you know she’s ready to actually get into a relationship again? How will you know when she’s ready?

“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” –Jesus Christ, Luke 6:31-

How would you feel if you were the one being shoved aside by this ‘new love’ in your ex-darling’s life? It's not such a great feeling I’ll bet. But what other choice do we have? This is a cut throat society we live in where the selfish survive while the soft hearted and indecisive perish. As they say, “the strongest survive”. Does this back up the theory of striking someone when they’re down? If you’re not the one doing the dirty deed, there sure as hell will be someone else lurking around the corner right behind you wanting to do exactly what you’re thinking of. And if you do decide to do the decent thing and miss your little window of opportunity as a result of it, what then?

Broken Strings...

2004-11-08T01:35:00.000Z

When a string is broken, that’s it. There’s no turning back. The best we can do is attempt to tie it together again, but that piece of reattached string will never be the same. It will never be as strong. It can never be as beautiful.

“The sooner you realise that things can never be the same again, the sooner you can move on with your life.” –O.C.-

Can broken relationships never be mended? Will a salvaged relationship only ever be nothing more than just that? A salvaged relationship, a cracked bowl glued together, the lines of its brokenness ever conspicuous, ever in your memory…

The cheating lover, the paradigmatic example of a broken relationship. When your girlfriend’s cheated on you, is it ever worth taking her back? You love her like life itself. You could never stand lose her, you could never live without her. With these defeatist thoughts, you try to ‘forgive and forget’—to move on and forge ahead with life. Instead of punishing her cardinal sin, you forgive her and punish yourself. You resign yourself to sleeping with the devil. You try to avoid thinking about it; you pretend nothing went wrong. We may say we forgive, but we’ll never forget. If we don’t forget, can we ever really forgive?

The memory of her cheating will always be a phantom floating between the two of you, a spectre in the back of your mind. Can you really commit once again, give everything you have, invest all your deepest emotions in a girl you know to be untrustworthy? Will we ever be able to trust a person who has betrayed our trust on the deepest emotional plane? Yes you say? You’ve got a big heart, and I salute you. A heart bigger and stronger than your wits.

That spectre will always give the innocent party the psychological moral leverage. Suddenly it’s all right for me to be a bit of a bastard. Why? “Because she was a much bigger bitch! She’s unhappy about it? SHE SCREWED UP FIRST! Its not my fault that things are this way…” An important part of a good relationship is a healthy balance of power. Once the balance tips disproportionately in favour of one party, what’s left is not a loving two-way relationship. It’s a master and servant situation. When one party has the upper hand all the time, can a loving relationship based on respect survive? Will the respect endure the battering of a broken bond?

The girl, feeling guilty (hopefully) will do her best to be as nice as she possibly can. Knowing that her wrong was unforgivable, being given a second chance comes as something beyond hope. She becomes too nice, she surrenders too much, she gives when she should take, lets up when she should push… A person can only take so much self-degradation. A person only has so much to give. It takes two to clap. When one side of a pair of gloves is torn, the pair will cease to function. People say that life is not a bed of roses, that a relationship needs work, that we should never give up at the first sign of trouble. But when a relationship that’s supposed to be natural and borne out of love simply requires too much effort to maintain, maybe the relationship just isn’t meant to be. Something meant to bring joy and happiness should never be reduced to a constant struggle, to a fight for mere indifference.

I once made a conscious decision to never subject myself to the pain of breaking up with the same person twice in my life. Once is enough. Things could never be the same again. The second ride, I knew would not be worth the fall.

How You Doing??

2004-11-05T23:53:00.000Z

Walking up to a random stranger and striking up a conversation takes guts and courage. Especially when you’re trying to pick that someone up. Some random person who’s just caught your attention that you’d really like to get to know. For us guys, what do we resort to? What possible reason can we think up that would be substantial enough to strike up a conversation with that oh so hot girl standing alone? It’s your chance to pick her up, and you have to grasp it with both hands. But how? Would you resort to using a pick up line?

Whoever wrote the book of pick up lines should be both praised and locked away in an asylum. Anyone who thought that spouting such incredible rubbish could help you get in the sack with someone by the end of the night has got to be joking. Seriously, just how incredibly thick does a woman/girl have to be to fall for a pick up line? Something as corny as this:

Guy: Did it hurt?
Girl: Huh?
Guy: When you fell out of heaven.

What are guys reduced to when they have to resort to using a line like this to get to know a girl? I would seriously have to question the mental stability of any idiot with the balls to go to up to a random girl and confidently speak this line. A girl has seriously got to be thick and so incredibly full of herself to believe this. Or she could just be plain dumb. These lines should be left alone as jokes. Something you read in a magazine, or a joke book and left to rot far, far away from the realm of flirtation. Who in their right mind would try something as audacious as that?

Girls, in my opinion, have it much easier. All they have to do is look at you long enough. And maybe flash you a slight, sly smile. Or bat her eyelids. Anything amounting to a show of interest, and trust me, being dumb guys, we’ll fall for it, hook, line and sinker. How difficult is that? A wink, a brush of the hair away from the face or a playful glance your way. Every other guy would be reduced to nothing more than a babbling pile of mush. I mean… come on… this girl’s making a move on YOU! How often does that happen?

We’re definitely not equipped with the same formidable arsenal as our female counterparts. Does that mean we have to compensate by finding good jobs? Earning lots of money? Driving a nice car? Anything that’s superficial on the outside that just appeals to the superficial woman? (see post on is rich the new good looking). Would that save us from a cruel and often painful ‘strike-up conversation’ piece? How often would “Hey, I drive an SL55” fail to impress?

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not...

2004-10-31T20:45:00.000Z

A boy sits alone on a bench in the corner of a park. Almost in a trance, he appears to be dismembering a little flower, concentrating every ounce of his will on each petal as he detaches it from its fragile body. Leaving them to the fingers of the gentle breeze, mouthing words unheard…

We’ve all been through this, the agonising protracted periods of time where all we do is question the intentions and feelings of the girls we’re crushing on. Reading 6 feet deep into her every action, wondering what they mean, interpreting them in only the way a man hopelessly caught in a spider’s web would. Which is to say we interpret them in favour of her feeling the same way for us. Her every call, text, or little gesture to you can only mean that she likes you too, does it not? “Why would she be so nice to me if she didn’t like me?!”

It’s strange then, how it is that we often don’t do anything concrete about what we have already rationalised. Go for broke, just come clean and tell her, all or nothing.

It’s all good and well to go ahead and put all your cards on the table when there’s little or nothing to lose. In a situation where you just met a girl at a party, and you chat her up and ask her on a date or two. What have you got to lose? An acquaintance, a girl you fancied enough for a week or two to go out with. And of course, there’s your wounded pride. Nothing that can’t be fixed. When it’s a girl you’ve gotten close to however, the stakes are much greater. When you’ve liked her for so long, and become so used to the status quo that sometimes its just not worth losing her and that closeness you share on the little chance that she might be willing to give you a go.

In the first scenario, often there is no need to bring it all out and put your heart on the table. When you’ve gone on a couple of dates already, the signs are easily read. The mere fact that she’s willing to go on the second or third date with you justifiably allows you to assume that she likes you back. The way she calls you, or texts you out of the blue, how she allows you to buy her dinner and movies, allows you to put your arm round her waist and puts her head on your shoulder; actions speak louder than words, nothing more needs to be said. Unless she’s playing you for a rag doll, we can safely deduce from her actions that she likes you too.

The situation changes infinitely when she’s someone you’re close to. How does one distinguish between the love for a friend and “I love you”?

When she thinks about you, she’ll call, she’ll send texts, and she shows concern for your well-being. When you’re sick she makes soup and gets medicine for you. She'll buy you munchies when she comes over. She’ll put her head on your shoulder, you'll hold her round the waist. The signs are identical, but the texture of the situation is infinitely different. Most guys have lots of girl friends, but she’s your closest girl friend, and she’s the only one who’s ever been so nice to you. How do we read this? If we’ve had a crush on her since forever, there’s only one conclusion we will allow ourselves to draw: “She’s gotta know I like her, and she obviously likes me too, that’s why she doesn’t pull away. Her feelings for me manifests itself in the way she treats me, the way no one else treats me…”

Another time honesty could save us all that trouble is when we’ve just met a girl we fancy and are actively pursuing her. What’s different from the first scenario is that she gives mixed signals. One day she’s happy to go out with you, the next week she simply refuses to answer your calls, the next thing you know, she’s sent you a text reading “miss me?”. She blows hot and cold and all we can do is guess what’s going on in her pretty little head.

In these situations, why don’t we just go ahead and tell her how we feel? Why do we keep it all inside, pulling the petals from that metaphorical flower, speculating, but never gambling? Would you rather never find out that she likes you, living in the hope that she does, ever unwilling to know for certain that she does not? Maybe its because we’re unwilling to let a dream die… To perpetuate the fairy tale that she likes you back, and that one day things will work out and you can have your ‘happily ever after’.

Sure, we all enjoy the thrill of a chase. But when the chase gets old, or where only one side thinks it’s really a chase, shouldn’t we just scrounge up the balls and spill our guts? The whole purpose of the chase and working on getting closer is so that one day she’ll realise how you feel, burst into tears, touched by your devotion and effort and run into your arms. But the cruel truth is that with most girls, our fates are already decided a little after meeting you. Why suffer for such a long time, only to find out that you’ve already been rejected, when we can avoid the pointless expenditure of effort and time and find out the same thing now? Why don’t we just set things straight, so we can move on with our lives? The truth will set you free! It’s just going to hurt more a year down the line than it will today.

Then again, she might just like you back… It’s all or nothing…

“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” –Forrest Gump-

How Will I Ever Know?

2004-10-28T16:23:00.000+01:00

Why can’t the signals from women ever be clear? Granted each and every one of you are different. But there should be an obvious clear signal that says exactly what you mean. One that says, “You are a friend, and only a friend and always will be a friend.” And another signal that says, “Yes I am indeed interested in you. Please do the right thing and actively pursue me”. Or something! There should be something out there that obviously states your intentions without us having to play these cat and mouse games! Flirting is an excellent way to pass the time and to get to know you better. All in all however, I'd just like to know whether you are indeed interested in me and you’d like me to actively do something about it.

Don’t get me wrong, some signals are clear as day, like if you reject my calls, or you refuse to go out and have a casual drink with me or the fact that you always bring a girlfriend with you every time we go out. These kinds of signals I think are slightly (and only slightly) easier to interpret. Take for example, cases where the girl is just shy and insists she brings a friend; now this just opens up a whole new can of worms. How do we decode this?!

Now this one is just plain confusing: I’m asking you out for a date. And you bring a friend along. Can it get worse than that? How about this for worse? She spends the night talking mostly to her friend instead of you. Clear signal being given out? This can only mean a couple of things right? You’re not entirely comfortable with being alone with me, or you’d prefer to spend time chatting with you friend. Fine. Point taken. Surely it doesn’t mean that you're interested in taking our current relationship further! Oh no! It does! It does? How? Where? Confusing confusing…

Then how in the world will I ever know?? If the girl just decides to play the game, you’re in for a long and evil haul. She’ll drop hints that’ll just make you think you’re on the right track and then completely blow you off at the next turn. Even more confusing? Definitely. Anything we can do about it? I doubt it. I wish both sexes could play this game equally, but sadly, the men always lose. We’re dumb that way. We’re playing the game alright, but we’re sure as hell not winning it...

“Women have been dealt every Ace, King, Queen and Knave in the deck" -Jack McKinney-

Would You Like To Be My Girlfriend?

2004-10-26T17:34:00.000+01:00

This phrase has never ceased to amuse and amaze me. These simple words caused me to become a blubbering idiot; which brings me to question whether it really is necessary to utter these words (or anything implying the meaning of these words)?

Lets consider a situation where I’ve been taking a girl out for some time. We go to the movies, we go for dinners, and I occasionally buy you dinner. Makes my intentions clear enough (I think) and you reciprocate because you’re willing to go out with me and there are no objections to me buying you dinner. Right? So anyways, we go out. Hints are dropped and you know that I fancy you. And I know that you’ve got the obvious hots for me :D. So, does it really matter that I have to formally ask you if we’re going to be an item? And get together? To me it all seems a little redundant. If we both know that we’re both seeing each other, what’s the point?

Does that just mean that you’ve signed an invisible binding contract? That you’re not allowed to see anyone else (not like that’s stopped people before, but still..)? I mean, technically if there isn’t any agreement that yes we are indeed together...we’re still allowed to see other people, right?

Then there are times when things go horribly wrong. Like when someone takes the next step and leaves you behind. For example, you’re casually seeing someone, and you’re suddenly introduced to her friends as her ‘boyfriend’. Now, you’re just stuck in a nice little pickle…you can’t exactly go and shout it out right there and then, “NO I’M NOT! HOW DARE YOU?” or maybe that’s exactly what you should do? And humiliate her in front of her friends? Right now, you’re caught in a dilemma… Do you just go along with the 5 minute charade? Or do you just get on for the whole ride? Now, what will you do?

Is Rich the New Good Looking?

2004-10-24T01:46:00.000+01:00

Commitment, security, love and affection… Ask any girl what they want from a guy, and that’s probably what you’re going to hear. How important though, is cash to getting yourself on the correct ladder (see Cynth’s comment under Just Friends?)? You only get one chance at making a first impression. Where does wealth come into the picture? Well, lets just say that it’s a lot easier to make a good impression stepping out of a beamer rather than a kancil. Strike one!

Consider Durian Grey’s observations about confidence. How much more confident would you feel and how much better would you look with an Ermenigildo Zegna cashmere jacket over your Paul Smith shirt and Armani jeans, a checked Burberry scarf round your neck with Gucci loafers gracing your feet as opposed to the over-runs from Reject Shop. Sure, you could still look crap despite the excellent get up, but lets just imagine for a while that we’re all Colin Farrell. I’ll bet she’s as impressed with the labels as she is with the good looks. Strike two!

How about being able to approach a girl, knowing that even if you don’t have enough cash in the wallet, the plastic will take care of the Moet & Chandon they almost invariably love. That liquid gold! Strike Three! You’re out woman!

But courtship isn’t baseball; so three strikes don’t make an out. So much the better, this gives me more room to drive my point home. Dinners at Nobu and the Savoy cost a pretty penny, what about the LV bags and Tiffany jewellery for her birthday and Valentine’s? Is rich the new good looking?

I’ve identified two kinds of girls, stuck on either extreme of the materialism spectrum. There is the obvious materialistic type, and the innocent, “love is all we need type”. Lets look into how both these sub species of woman fare in this issue.

The materialistic girl, she doesn’t like Japanese cars. She doesn’t do suppers at SS2 Murni and she loves the way you shower her with gifts. She unabashedly instigates the unbridled splurging on her account, and talks more about your car, your watch and the luxurious dinner dates than about you. How does a relationship with her work?

It probably starts like this: She’s in it for your money, for the gifts and the good life all charged to your daddy’s credit card. The romance is great, the times spent together, albeit expensive, are incredible. Ideally, the girl, once into the relationship really falls for you. Hopefully the gifts and the money all become peripheral to the real relationship—not the romance and excitement that money can buy. This begs two separate questions: What happens if the money runs out? If she fell so easily for the glitter, would she run off with another guy who offers the same shiny things?

Now look at the second girl. She’s touched by your sweet gestures, how funny you are, how well you treat her. She’s swept up in the romance, every moment spent with you is like a dream. But dreams don’t last forever. What happens when the romance fizzles out? When every day is the same as yesterday, when the novelty of dinners and movies at home wears out, when suddenly, just cuddling isn’t good enough anymore…? Suddenly she wants to start thinking about the future, she realises that love will not take conquer all. This world is a practical one, and she knows that finance is essential to leading a happy life. As much as money cannot buy happiness, love alone cannot keep us alive.

I read Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (not of my own volition), it said that a sweet little card wins you as many brownie points as a diamond ring. It’s the thought that counts, or is it not? I say just look at their faces as they unwrap their presents… a picture paints a thousand words. Girls will always be girls; they invariably enjoy being showered with love, and the gifts that are perceived as the material manifestation of this love. They talk, they compare… Humans are just never satisfied with what they have, its not in our nature to settle, but it is to strive for the better.

Is money the modern pheromone? Is rich really the new good looking?

"Women, like monkeys they are. They hold on one branch long enough to get a better hold on another one." -MI2-

Slut or Saviour?

2004-10-22T15:30:00.000+01:00

Some thoughts on girl snagging from that famous charmer, Durian Grey (pseudonym)...

You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Sorry for chucking in such an overused cliché, but I’m sure many of you can attest to the fact that how you present yourself within half an hour or so to someone new can sometimes permanently set the dynamics of your relationship from that point on. When I say relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that hot girl/guy you just scrounged the balls to chat up at the club the other night – it can be anyone new. Of course, in keeping with the key of this blog I’m gonna go into more detail for the guys….

Confidence is of course a major factor in making that killer first impression. Females of advanced species have always been programmed to single out males with an air of authority and a ‘take charge’ attitude in the interest of the survival of herself and her progeny. Without going further into the semantics of anthropomorphic psyche, its safe to sum up that you’re not gonna get any action if you cautiously come up behind a girl, tap her shoulder like a mosquito and stammer something incomprehensible while staring at the laces on your shoe. Take, for example Al Pacino’s character in Scarface–sometimes an aura of confidence is more of a turn on than the body of an Adonis.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to get at here is that while some people think that being a perfect gentleman and a freakin boy scout will charm the ladies, there is some truth to another old cliché – nice guys finish last. It’s hard to seem like you got cool when you drop whatever you’re doing to help her, like, grout her bathtub or some shit like that to go all out just to get her attention or time–if you’re unlucky enough to be a spineless do-gooder AND happen to get stuck with a manipulative heartless bitch you’re just so screwed…

Any charmer worth his salt’s gotta know that if you want any fireworks you need a dash of sleaze and perhaps just a little pinch of friction…. Of course there are extremes either way – if you roll around like a blind bucket of testosterone feeling your way everywhere, spewing innuendo, pickup lines from the 80’s and just generally being an outright utter cock you’re not going to earn any brownie points either. Its all about reading their deviously subtle signals and balancing the dial between ‘slut’ and ‘saviour’ mode – there are times when you should be goodly and caring and there are times when you should just be a little more brash...

To be continued….

Stepping Stones...

2004-10-20T14:15:00.000+01:00

Today's little entry was kindly donated by one of our readers who wishes to remain anonymous... Anyone wanting to have their two cents posted on this site can just email us with your article attached, you will receive attribution should you want it, or you could just use a pseudonym...Enjoy!

Stepping Stones….

Yeah, that’s what a number of us guys are. You know how we get trodden on by girls who feel no guilt in constantly asking for help? Be it favors like taking them to the mall, or even taking up 2 hours of your life figuring out how to make something work on the computer… these putrid creatures just take and take and take!

But do we get anything in return? For the gas, the hours, the energy? Of course not! Some of you may say that the returns come in the form of a better relationship with the person. But can’t a better relationship exist without constantly performing one-sided favors? Does something always have to be beneficial to someone in order for relationships to work well?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for helping friends and all that. But I’ve come to a point where I’ve had it with people who take and take and never give back in return. Maybe it’s because they have nothing to offer. But really, I know what it’s like to feel appreciated and I don’t feel like I’ve been getting my due.

This has made me re-evaluate the sincerity I bring to a relationship. Is there such a thing as helping out without expecting anything in return? If you come to think of it, we humans are pretty self-centered. Of course we are! It’s in our very nature since we live in a world that abides by the “survival of the fittest” rule.

No matter how honorable someone might be, when you look deeper into the matter, you’ll see that there is some ulterior motive. Take, for example, you help your friend in your math class solve a problem. Why do you do it? Is it to get that rush that comes with feeling superior to your counterpart? Is it so that you can make a new friend or strengthen an already existing relationship? Or is it because you feel that it’s the Christian/Muslim/Buddhist/etc. thing to do? The fact is we’re just helping ourselves by helping others. We all want to go to heaven don’t we?

I’d be treading a very precarious path here by bringing in another human emotion, that one called LOVE. I’ve thought about this a couple of times, and yes, the sincerity in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship can also be questionable. Why do you want to love someone? Isn’t it for companionship? Don’t you want to get married? Don’t you want to be loved? Don’t say you want to love someone to take away his loneliness. You’re lying to yourself.

But I believe that parental love is sincere. Just like how God created us humans and loves us, our parents brought us into the world. We are their flesh and blood. Therefore, they have a natural propensity to love us. That’s why love from our parents is absolute. It is the most steadfast and dependable form of care. Romantic love may upstage it, but it never beats parental love. So when they ask you whom you would save, your mother or girlfriend: Forget the girl! You’ll meet another one. But you will never call another person Mom.

Man, I’m really digressing here.

I guess my final note here would be, if you think that you’re one of those manipulative people and you’ve been asking a lot of favors from a particularly nice person, cut it out! And if you can’t, just show how much you appreciate that person. Take him/her out to lunch or drop a line once in a while just to ask how they’re doing. NOT to ask for another favor. But why would you want to do something like that? Why should you want take the trouble to buttress the possibly volatile relationship? Don’t YOU WANT to have a better relationship with that person? Don’t YOU WANT to continue reaping benefits from that “privileged” someone?

See? What a wicked world we live in……

Harmless Flirting Then?

2004-10-19T19:55:00.000+01:00

Circumstances play an extremely important role in making the sparks fly in a relationship. Be it friends or just random strangers, being in the right place and the right time really does do wonders for you. Best friend guy/girls can and might get together if the situation is right. The supporting cast plays an important role as well, generally I feel as though the people will bend in order to conform to what the surroundings want them to be. It just has to be the general consensus before something can actually take place.

But people being people, it’s always nice to flirt once again because it makes you feel special that someone’s showering you with attention instead of you suffering in your long standing and spiceless relationship? Especially when it revolves around fighting and bickering. Is that the beginning of promiscuity then? And cheating on your other half? What constitutes cheating? The actually physical sleeping with someone? Or just the fact that you’re willing to let yourself go and flirt shamelessly?

I feel as though the female species has this incredible talent that makes it possible for them to always be able to define where the fine line between being a friend and being more than a friend is. Or maybe the guys just read their signs all wrongly? Or is it because they are just unwilling to take the risk and take their friendship to another level? Is it such a risk that they are willing to sacrifice potential happiness by just stagnating their friendship at a purely friendship-ish level? When two people meet and grow together as friends, the lines of communication widen and the level of understanding increases doesn’t it? Does sexual tension grow as well? So then what’s to stop if from progressing to the next level? Why won’t we allow it to progress to the next level? Is friendship that sacred? But wouldn’t it be better to lose a friend and gain a lover?

Just Friends??

2004-10-18T23:09:00.000+01:00

Can guys and girls ever maintain a "platonic" relationship? is it ever possible for a guy and a girl to become the closest of friends, and never want to take it further?

Some would say yes...the large majority of these people being women, who feel that yes, they can keep emotions out of a "platonic" relationship and it is possible that once you've bulldozed your way through the initial "you could be an option" phase and plunged headlong into the depths of "friendship", the specter of potential passion is left far behind, forgotten and unwanted. true?

where is the emotional boundary that separates friend from lover anyway? are these places in our hearts so far apart that it cannot be bridged? i dont really think so...i can't articulate it, but as much as i like to tell myself that friends are friends and are off limits, somehow i instinctively feel that the two aren't so different after all...we seek the same basic things in friends and lovers: companionship. now before we all blow our tops screaming "Of COURSE they're different!!! we dont look for the same things in our relationships with lovers and 'just friends'!!!" Think about it, we all look for companionship in our relationships with members of the opposite sex, just differing levels of the same... with our lover we look for the maximum level of companionship, with other people we look for lesser levels of it. They're not all that different!

Then theres what some of us think (mostly guys i feel), that it is simply impossible for two members of the opposite sex to get so close to each other and not want to sleep together! simply put, our primal instincts would never allow such emotional attachment without an infusion of sexual attraction! its basic human/animal instinct! (dont give me any nonsense about us trancending basic human nature through supreme self control and morality, because its in us all!)

Circumstances have alot to do with whether best guy/girl friends will want to get together too... all of that hogwash on top aside, lets just say that when you have a guy and girl who both have their own significant others, things just arent likely happen...probably because they already have what they would otherwise want from each other in their partners...but given the situation where they're both alone, looking around, begging, pleading...haha sparks can fly...i wont say they will, but watch out! cos thing could definitely happen! its just too easy fall for your best friend, especially when shes so hot and oh so nice to you...:)

2004-10-18T23:08:00.002+01:00

basket. you talk damn a lot wei..hahahaha..i don't even know when to start

i guess it's just how guys are just dumb and they just love being manipulated la. right? hahaha..i bet you know exactly what i mean right? hahaha..it' jsut we're suckers. looking for the perfect way to do somethign. i think we watch too much tv or somethign. but hell..we're all looking for the perfect relationship with the perfect someone isn't it?

yes..about the girl guy best friend thing. it's a lose lose thing for the guy la i think. eventually the girl will send the wrong signals to the guy. and being the typical guy..trust me...we fall for all the stupid mistakes ok. any type of stupid little signal and we'll bloody fall right into it la. there's no bloody way we're going to be smart about it. hell...ahhaha..any kind of interpretation is wrong. so the guy always loses. and the girl probably has her own bf stashed somewhere and she won't be happy that her best guy friend is going to leave her for some other girl. it's always the case so you'll never win. really..the guys are just dumb...and probably end up being the best girlfriends bitch in the end. i'm not really blaming the girl but somehow there's no safety net and the line is really difficult to define so..there's no way you're going to know. eventually one of the parties is going to get hurt. unless the guy turns out gay or the girl turns out gay as well..that'd just be simply aweome. and what is it with guys and gay(extremely hot) women? hahahahahahaha

and once something goes wrong. there's no bloody way things are going to be back to the same way they were. once it's wierd there'll always be this wierdness and it's difficult to..like overcome that awkwardness after a while. so.....guys always ALWAYS end up getting screwd over..hahaa..all my guy friends have got screwed over.i don't think there's a single guy i know that hasn't been screwed over just yet. mabye cause all my friendsa re nice ppl nd it's difficult to scerw ppl over when you're nice andyou care? hahahaha...i'm not generalizing here..or trying hard not to..but it's...just difficult..once things have changed..there's no way it's going to be back the way it was. and there's alway shistory to contend with. ppl just don't forget. however much they want to. it's never going to be the same again.

man i have so many things to say....hahahaha

2004-10-18T23:08:00.000+01:00

The bitches probably stick together just because they're of the same feather...It's so much easier to hang out with people you have stuff in common with...But what about the competition theory then? If they're really in competition with each other why would they want to stick together? haha the fat ugly girls around them probably works as affirmation as well, "Yeah i'm good looking, look at her, shes ugly as hell...its awesome that i hang out with her, theres no competition for the guys coming from her!"

About evil manipulative women... haha i want to berate them, but i can't! The fact that i willingly and knowingly subject myself to their manipulations and enjoy the company they bring makes me unable to criticise them. They are working what they have aren't they? Think about it, good looking girl who's been playing you for a rag doll for a couple of months is pissed off that her pet project has gone and messed things up with her... she now wants to go for a movie with you, do you go with it?!?! In full knowledge of the fact that you're just being used as a distraction so she doesn't have to stare at the phone waiting for a call for the next couple of days? Of course! i'm sure as hell not gonna pass up a date with a good looking chick now am i? and i'm fully prepared to put money on saying that any right thinking heterosexual guy would too!

Yes yes, we're being used...but who says thats gotta be a bad thing...?

How bout the best girl friend/guy friend situation...i'm not sure how true this is, but according to a girl i know the best girl friend gets jealous when her guy friend gets with another girl. Apparently this is because she no longer receives the attention guy friend used to lavish on her. She's selfish, she doesn't want him to be with another girl...She also doesn't want to be with him despite knowing that he's liked her since forever, but because he's not her type/ shes got a boyfriend/she doesn't want to ruin what they already have etc.etc... Do all girls want to keep their cake and eat it?

Alright then, here's something else thats come to mind.

"The faster you understand that things will never be the same again, the faster you can move on with your life" -O.C.-

What do you think? Can things ever go back the way they were? or is it true that once the shit hits the ceilling, the stains will never wash out? How many people do you know have had shit happen in their relationship, and then try to keep it going? Why bother?

2004-10-18T23:07:00.000+01:00

yea..hotness is always associated with being slutty. it's such a bad thing though. but we all like evil slutty girls. don't knwo why. they're just so much better to look at. but all this evil slutty girls always have good looking friends too! hahaha..that's another good reason it's cause they always hang out with good looking friends. but i don't think theyre' really friends with each other cause they knwo the other's a bitch as well. unless they go bitching around together. normally, chun girls have really fat ugly friends. that's why they just look even better..because they have all the ugliness they hang out with that just makes them look even better...hahaha..hm..i had something extra to put down.

but damn..i love girls who give you that little bit of a chance even though you know they're evil. and you just do all sorts of stupid things. hahahah...mann..this situation sounds familiar..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2004-10-18T23:06:00.000+01:00

Its pretty obvious they do isn't it? Like how the hottest girls are both worshipped and hated by girls... Some girls attach themselves to them, hoping to get a piece of their popularity... While others dislike them without giving them a chance, simply for being hot, which in their mind equates sluttiness... Who knows? maybe some of them just don't like watching other members of their gender flinging themselves at guys...Can't imagine why though...
Besides, who are we talking about? Where did you get the idea anyways?

2004-10-18T23:04:00.000+01:00

You know...I think girls are just jealous when they see another girl working their stuff..and getting attention from all the guys. Maybe they've got their own secret competition or something going on just like in Mean Girls or something. i think they all want their fair amount of attention but it's difficult since there's obviously one girl getting all the attention.